Abandon your previous attempts to quit your control habit. Control hard. Control free. Control like the fucking wind.

My littlest one (4-year-old) got a new-to-her bike at a bike swap on Saturday. She’s hilarious- girl saw her bike and then just zipped around the parking lot for an hour while her sister tried 2197287507821 other bikes, until she finally found an acceptable one. (When the cashier told me and the hubs that she also got a free helmet with the bike, our shoulders visibly sagged.)

We were so excited about these new rides that we rode them up the very steep hill to my sister-in-law’s new place, where we were gathered for her birthday party. Everyone was pretty chill, actually. it was early in the evening, and it seemed like only a couple folks were really lit. But my SIL was drinking wine, and although I didn’t have any substantive conversation with her, I have decided in my little judgy mind that she was buzzed up.

I had driven up to carry food, so was driving home at around 8 (after 5 hours of carousing). My husband said he’d stay with the girls a little longer, then head home. When they arrived, my youngest was in hysterics. It turned out, SIL had offered to walk home with her (while she rode her bike), so she and her cousin could spend a little more time together. My husband and the big girl took the long way home, to ride their bikes longer.

SIL was carrying her baby on her chest, and cousin was walking, and my girl was riding. They headed down the incredibly steep hill, and my daughter lost control of her bike. She went faster and faster, and called out to her aunt for help. SIL yelled for her to slow down, but her feet slipped off the pedals, which were going too fast to intercept, and she flew across two alleys and a city street before she crashed into the berm along the sidewalk and dragged her feet to stop. her shoes are scuffed completely, with holes in the toes, and he toes are road-rashed raw. But she’s not dead, which is good.

And I am so hopping mad I can hardly stand to be around my stupid self. I know I’m being unfair, and that this was understandable, and even if she’d been sober I would still be furious- because she made me feel so afraid, because she was so careless, because she put my daughter in harm’s way (thought total innocence- she doesn’t know that a 4-year-old can’t solo ride down a steep hill).

Advice? How do I let go?